Sunday, April 17, 2005

My Perfect World

Ah, to live in a perfect world. Wouldn’t it be great? It will never happen, of course. After all, you could never get everyone to agree on what a perfect world should look like. One person’s perfection is another person’s nightmare. Perfection is in the mind of the beholder. Perfection is like tomorrow, it never comes. (Please, someone, stop me before I cliche again.) Still, it's an interesting concept. And, I'm sure this will shock you, but, as it happens, I have a few ideas about what a perfect world would look like. Here, let me tell you about it.

In my perfect world, there would be no wars. Any disputes between nations would be settled personally by the countrys' leaders on world wide TV. Personally, I favour jello wrestling. Best two out of three falls. Or, maybe they could compete for the love of a 400 pound, facially tattooed, transsexual, dominatrix bachelorette who would then sleep with the loser's spouse - for a month.

In my perfect world, there would be no borders. People would be free to come and go as they please. At least that’s what I’d tell them. Eventually all the people of South Africa, Mexico or maybe Columbia will end up here in Canada (and, don't doubt it, they WILL come here – for the free health care, of course.) Then, all us Canadians would, in the middle of the night, sneak into their countries and close their borders, leaving them alone in Canada. It’ll be a good experience for them to try and build a successful society while freezing their nuts off. It’ll build character. As for us Canadians, we already did it. We’ve got oodles of character. It’s time we got to relax in the warm sunshine for awhile.

In my perfect world, racists would be apprehended and dyed or bleached the color of the people they hate. Enough said.

In my perfect world, convicted paedophiles would be castrated and shipped to a game reserve in Labrador where they would be hunted by sportsmen from around the world. The sportsmen would pay a huge fee, most of which would go to the victim(s) or victims’ families. Taxidermy and mounting of heads would cost extra, of course.

In my perfect world, we would have a special litter control agency. Agents would dress like everyday people and mull around outdoors in public places. When they see anyone littering, they would have the right to give them a major wedgie in public and take their purse or wallet, which would not be returned. Confiscated money would be used to pay for extra litter bins. Anyone who resists would be apprehended and forced to pick up litter with their teeth for a day while crawling on all fours and oinking like the pigs they are.

In my perfect world every woman would be required to have massive cosmetic surgery till she looked exactly like Nicole Kidman. And all men would be required to take a drug that would lower their IQ to 75 while making them bald, obese and impotent. Except me. (Hey, I’m creating a perfect world for you here. Don’t I deserve some compensation?)

In my perfect world there would be no celebrities. They would be known only as actors and musicians. They would do their work and we would have the chance to listen to or watch it. Otherwise, they would be ignored. Anyone making public the image or words of any actor or musician, except to promote a show, movie, CD or tour, would be shipped to Labrador to keep the paedophiles company. No pictures or interviews. No windows into their personal lives. No mention of them whatsoever. A welcomed goodbye to our ridiculously shallow, superficial, celebrity driven culture. Imagine a world without Brad or J-Lo or Paris or Brittney leering out from a million magazine and tabloid covers everyday. Even if this one thing was all I did, it would be reason enough for you to love my perfect world.

Your welcome.


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