Sunday, June 19, 2005

A Culture of Fear

Last week was a scorcher. There were several major smog alerts. I read that smog kills upwards of 6,000 people a year in Ontario. If you want to live, for god’s sake stay inside. And never let your children out of your sight. Pedophiles are everywhere. According to the National Missing Children's Services, more than 66,000 kids went missing in Canada in 2002. There will be more terrorist attacks in North America, and likely in Canada. Guaranteed. No one is safe. Not long ago a cow was diagnosed with mad cow disease. Please, put down that hamburger. What the heck’s the matter with you? Are you crazy?

Public Health Attorneys in California warn that potato chips cause cancer. Apparently, so does hydrogenated vegetable oil, soy, barbecued foods and garbanzo beans. Growth hormone is injected in all chickens these days. If your children eat eggs, they will reach puberty at an abnormally early age and die prematurely. Better get a burglar alarm for your home. There’s a lot of crime out there. Get one for your car too.

Look at that kid on the bike. My God, he doesn’t have a helmet on. No knee pads either. His parents should be shot. The Canadian Safety Council would freak if they saw that. Whatever you do, don’t go into that neighbourhood after dark. A woman was assaulted there last month. It’s just not safe anywhere these days. I hear that housing prices can’t be sustained at this level. Surely, the market will crash soon. And when it does, millions of people will go bankrupt. Our economy will be decimated. We should all be very worried.

Personally I thought Y2K was going to do us all in. But somehow we survived. At least for now. The rainforest is being cut down. Soon there will be no oxygen to breath. All the fish are all being caught and eaten. Soon our oceans will be empty. But that’s OK, We won’t be around to see it. All the fish are full of mercury and other carcinogens. Every bite brings us closer to death. Ironic, isn’t it, how the oceans we killed will end up killing us.

GM will be laying-off 25,000 employees. Entire cities will be economically destroyed. David Suzuki tells us that the earth is heating up and that global warming is a threat to all life on this planet. We are all in terrible danger. The glacier is melting. Oceans will rise and envelop the earth. Tornados, hurricanes, floods, forest fires and earthquakes are destroying dozens of communities. We are in big trouble.

The Canadian Foundation on Compulsive Gambling warns that gambling is highly addictive. Keep away from the casinos if you know what’s good for you. Lotteries are bad news too. North Korea has nuclear missiles armed and ready to go. World war three is surely just around the corner. Seventy-five percent of all Canadians have some sort of mental illness. How do you feel today? A little depressed maybe? That sounds like cause for concern.

According to the Heart and Stroke foundation of Canada, more than 40,000 Canadians have strokes each year - about 16,000 of these prove fatal. Maybe you’ll be next. Don’t take those nail clippers on the plane, they’ll arrest you. Hmmm, that swarthy man over there looks suspicious. Don’t swim in the water. It’s polluted. You’ll get sick and maybe die. Quebec is going to separate. Our country will be lost. We will all suffer. Smoking is banned in bars. Bar owners warn that their businesses will close and thousands will be unemployed unless the ban is lifted. Unemployment frightens me.

It’s really, really hot today. Don’t go outside or you’ll get heatstroke. Lawn pesticides will give you cancer. A meteor destroyed the dinosaurs, and someday one will destroy us too. It’s just a matter of time. You’d have to be crazy to give blood after so many Canadians got AIDS and Hepatitis C from tainted blood. Your son is just too active. That’s worrisome. Lots of boys are on Ritalin. You should try it. It’ll fix him right up. Conservatives have a hidden agenda. They scare me.

The Canadian Institute of Actuaries warns that there are too many old people and not enough young people in our society. If we don’t significantly increase immigration there will be a demographic catastrophe. AIDS doesn’t just affect gay men and drug users. We are all at terrible risk. Marijuana is a gateway drug. If you smoke it you’ll become a crack addict. Keep that pit bull away from me. They are all killers. Evangelical Christians will destroy our society. They scare me.

According to Statistics Canada, one third of children age two to eleven are overweight. Most will develop serious health problems when they grow up. Thirty people a year die of food poisoning. Are you sure you want to eat in that restaurant? Hate crimes are increasing. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. You think your spouse loves you? Ha. The world trade organization is out to enslave the world. Free trade will destroy our social safety net. Big corporations are evil. They terrify me.

Our heath care system is disintegrating and will not be there when we get old. Neither will the Canada Pension Plan. It’ll be bankrupt by then. World oil supplies are drying up. We must find alternative fuel sources or perish. When we get old we will surely get sick and starve to death in the cold.

Nice tan. Aren’t you worried about melanoma? The ozone layer is terribly thin. Here put on some of this sun screen. What the heck’s the matter with you anyway? You’re making me very anxious.

The dollar increased in value this morning; this is bad news for exporters. The dollar dropped in value this afternoon; this is bad news for importers. According to Canadian cancer statistics, at least 18,000 Canadians die of lung cancer every year. It’s the country's number two killer. This means that there's a good chance one day you’ll get it. For god’s sake, put that cigarette out. I’m really frightened for you.

A little while ago, a man died of Avian Influenza (Bird Flu) in Asia. The entire planet panicked. Surely birds will be the death of us all. Mark my words. Our city’s Chief Medical Officer of health warns that the next great plague is just around the corner. Maybe it’ll be a mutated strain of the West Nile virus, SARs, influenza or cholera. One thing’s for certain: we are all in grave danger. And we should all be afraid. We should all be very, very afraid. Twenty four seven.

In fact anyone who isn’t afraid all the time must be suffering from some psychotic disorder that allows them to distance themselves from reality and escape to an imaginary world. Quite frankly, such crazy, irrational people scare the beejeebers out of me.


Blogger Canadi-anna said...

What about all that radiation from your computer screen . . . or is it plasma . . . oh, I'm sure there's something dangerous in there.

8:29 PM  

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