Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sympathy, Not Condemnation

Live from the Satireland newsroom:

In France, a series of demonstrations involving tens of thousands of emotionally distraught young Muslim men are beginning to abate after the French government called in 2200 police officers and declared a state of emergency.

The demonstrations were apparently touched off by the deaths of two young Muslim men who were accidentally electrocuted while hiding from police in a state power plant. Apparently, Muslim men who die in such a way, receive only 35 virgins in paradise, instead of the requisite 72 virgins given to those who die while killing Jews and other infidel swine.

“What a gyp” one overwrought demonstrator was heard to exclaim as he gently smashed the windows of a local food store and reluctantly threw in a Molotov cocktail. “How can any self respecting Muslim man settle for a measly 35 virgins? I am so angry right now I could just behead someone.”

It has been speculated that the underlying cause of the riots relates to a general feeling of resentment amongst young Muslim men, most of whom have known nothing their whole lives but welfare and free housing. With nothing to do as they crawl out of bed at noon, these gentle souls have no choice but to sit on their stoops, smoke hashish and bad mouth the French all day. "This could drive even the strongest among us to despair.” a prominent CBC commentator was heard to say. “They need our sympathy, not our condemnation” she sobbed, as she donned a burka in solidarity while chanting “Death to American Imperialism”.

Meanwhile, earlier today, local French newspapers ran headlines featuring a middle aged white conservative Christian man who happened to mention to a reporter in passing that he dislikes unions and disagrees with gay marriage. French citizens were appalled at the insensitivity of this wretched throwback to the middle ages. One protestor took a moment from throwing bricks at police to spit on the ground in a show of contempt for such incivility. “May the white, Christian, homophobic, capitalist scum rot in hell” a French journalist was reported to have said as she gathered up some left over pheasant and foi gras to help feed the protestors.

However, local authorities are rising to the challenge of dispelling the protests. Jacques Chirac made the following announcements yesterday: "Henceforth, bacon will be outlawed in France. Sharia law will replace the French civil law model and all judges will be replaced by Mullahs. A new government ‘Ministry of Stones’ will be set up to provide special assistance to families who wish to discipline a daughter who shames them. All females will be required to wear a veil. The French border will be thrown open for 24 hours at the beginning of every Ramadan to anyone mumbling suspiciously, wearing a ticking backpack and carrying a Koran. And, finally, as the piece de resistance, France will nuke Israel.”

It is expected that these measures will go a long way to appeasing the downtrodden protesters and reversing decades of abuse and racism levied against the Muslim community in France.


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