Monday, March 13, 2006

I'm A Feminist Now

In past columns I explained why I decided to become a Quebec separatist, despite being a unilingual Anglophone living in Ontario; and a Muslim, despite being a proud descendent of Christians.

This week, I’ve decided to become a feminist. The truth be told, I find today’s rag-tag bunch of whining, Marxist/feminist girlies kind of pathetic, really. But I’m gonna join their merry band nonetheless. Yessir. (Oops, sorry, that was inappropriate. I mean yes person.)

Yep, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna march through the streets on “National Female Oil-rig Roughneck Day” celebrating all the woman who revel in a good filthy day’s work – all three of them. I’m gonna support our female cops and firemen (Oops, I mean firefighters), even if they do leave most of the heavy lifting to the boys. I’m gonna support our women in the army, even if they really have no place at all in hand to hand combat and are used mostly for strategic photo-ops so Canadians can watch the news, see the 130lb girls in fatigues, clutch their chests, sigh and think of how utterly enlightened we are. Sure, boys, maybe there are no girls in the elite military squadrons where physical capabilities are paramount. But, hey, that’s because the army is a sexist anachronism. If we are to trust the defense of our society in hand to hand combat against big swarthy men, we should trust it to females. Any reasonable, new-age person would.

I’m gonna support our Family Court system, even if it has become nothing more than a mechanism to punish and degrade men. I’m gonna support our criminal justice system even though it always treats females better than males, gives them lighter sentences for the same crimes and houses them in much more comfortable surroundings. I’m gonna support gender quotas in our medical schools, even though female doctors don’t put in as many hours when they enter practice thus providing the public with less service than a male doctor would. Oh well, another few weeks wait won’t kill you.

I’m gonna support state funded day care even though it’s used mostly by comfortable middle class mommies who could, with a little sacrifice, stay at home with their kids but who would rather make you and me pay so they pursue more fulfilling work. I’m gonna support endless social programs for women, especially for single mothers, even if they became single mothers on purpose to get a free welfare apartment and monthly cheque. I’m gonna support abortion on demand so that all our teenage daughters can pretend their uteruses are equal to a prostate gland.

I’m gonna support our schools, even though they are emasculating our sons. I'll laugh as they impose female-friendly curriculum that stresses collaboration over competition, sensitivity over strength and empathy over ambition. I'll snicker as boys' grades fall and fall while girls' do better and better. And no more dodge ball. Horrors, someone might get hurt. If a boy kisses a girl in the playground, he should be expelled. After all, that’s sexual harassment. Maybe he's just five, but that’s no excuse. Brute. Point a banana at a buddy and say ‘bang’ ‘bang’ – home you go. You little savage.

I’m gonna support filling traditional male dominated jobs with women. Jobs like doctor, lawyer, police officer, firefighter, university professor and bus driver. The traditional female dominated jobs however must stay the same. Maybe women are 85% of all elementary school teachers and nurses. But that’s a natural thing, not a matter of discrimination. Best to leave it just as it is. If you think differently, expect me to be on your ass immediately. Sexist pig.

I’m gonna support all employment equity programs. Even if they compare totally incomparable professions for the sole purpose of paying women more. A secretary has every right to be compared to a surveyor. An office manager has every right to be compared to a civil engineer. After all, aren’t we all equal under the skin? Why should male dominated jobs be paid more than female dominated ones? We can’t expect females to actually qualify and apply for the male dominated jobs. That would be unfair. So lets just pay ‘em the same and it’ll all be alright.

I’m gonna support ALL modern-day feminist causes. I’m gonna march in the streets. Come join me to celebrate National Women’s Day; National Women of Color Week; Women’s Career Week; All Women are Men's Victims Day; All Men are Scum Month, Kick A Man in the Balls Week; And my personal favorite – National Transgendered Cross-dressing Genitally-pierced Obese Feminist Refugee Week.

Yep, what else would a good, new age, enlightened, left-wing feminist do? I’m buying into it all baby. Lock stock and barrel. And no, I don’t feel the need to shower hourly. Why would you ask such a question?

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb, Two to lend moral support. Three to apply for a government grant. And four to march around loudly bemoaning how women are under-represented in the light bulb screwing industry.

A little while ago I would have laughed at that joke. Or at least offered a sad, wry grin. But now I am appalled. Appalled I tell you. Appalled and outraged. Haven’t women suffered enough at the hands of men without rubbing salt in the wound?

Anyway, you may be wondering what has brought about this miraculous transformation. How could someone like me – a delightfully cynical and yet exceptionally balanced individual – descend into such complete and utter psychosis? How could I appear perfectly (reasonably?) sane one minute and the next throw off the chains of reason and embrace something as unbalanced, unenlightened and bigoted as Twenty-first century feminism.

Why, my daughters of course.

After all, I’ll be gone someday and I ain’t got no sons. So why the hell should I care?

Why shouldn’t I want a world where my daughters have the advantage? I’ve been thinking about it and have come to the conclusion that I had it all wrong. Women, particularly my daughters, should have the advantage in the workplace, in the courts, in the schools and Universities. Women should have the advantage today and men should feel guilty about ever having it in the first place.

My daughters are all that matter to me. So, I've decided to stop defending my gender and start thinking solely about them. After all, what have all the men in society done for me lately? Why should I defend their right to equity and fairness? Imagine how much easier it will be for my daughters if I and all other men just stop opposing the feminists. And, as a good father, shouldn’t I be supportive of a system that makes it as easy as possible for my daughters to succeed?

Boys, I’m sorry but I’ve made my choice. It might be unfair, but, still, the feminist way of thinking dominates most of our public institutions and social fabric. Give up boys. You are toast. No one stands up for you. No one cares. Girls rule. My girls will rule. And with little ol’ feminist me supporting them, and all of society behind them, there is nothing they can’t do.


Post a Comment

<< Home