Thursday, October 12, 2006

WAHCMB Anonymous

Bob: “Hello everyone, my name is Bob and I am a White Anglo Hetero Christian Male Breeder….*sob*”

Group: “Hello Bob”

Group Leader: “Welcome to White Anglo Hetero Christian Male Breeders Anonymous ©. You are among friends here. We all share your pain. We understand the tremendous shame and guilt you must be feeling. We are here to help.”

Bob: “*Sob*..... you. Thank you....*sniff*. I...I’m at the end of my rope. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I...I hate being a White Anglo Hetero Christian Male Breeder. It makes me feel....dirty inside. Oh God....tell me....will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again? Will the disgrace and humiliation I feel ever go away? Why did I have to be born this way? Why? Why?”

Group Leader: (Putting a hairless arm around Bob’s shoulder) “There, there now, it’s going to be all right. We are going to put your demons to rest. You are not the only White Anglo Hetero Christian Male Breeder in the world who hates himself. There are millions in North America alone who want to dye their skin brown, cut their willies off and convert to Islam. Of course most of these are Democrats and Liberals, but that’s a subject for another day. Today, we need to concentrate on you. Here, why not just sit down and tell us what’s going through your mind.”

Bob: “It’s the, the utter hatred I feel for myself and all other White Anglo Hetero Christian Male Breeders in the world. Take this wretched whiteness for example. What is that exactly? White is the absence of color. It’s like I have no color at all. Like I’m a non-entity. Meaningless. Without worth. And then there’s the crimes against humanity perpetrated by my white, colorless ancestors. Slavery, theft of resourses from the colonies and land from the North American Natives. This cursed white skin. It carries with it a horrific legacy of suffering and death. I hate my skin. I hate it. I hate it. I wish all white people were dead.....*sniff*”

Group Leader: “Is that all you hate?”

Bob: “No, I hate being an Anglophone even more than being white. I cringe at the thought of my ancestors killing all those fine French soldiers on the Plains of Abraham to win control of Canada. French is such a pleasant language to listen to. I’d rather hear someone say “Boeuf Bourguignon” than “Baloney” any day. And the colonies – all those colonies, captured and pillaged by English men just like me. So much evil done in the name of expanding English culture around the world. And now look at what’s happened....English is the main language of commerce and business all over the world. People love English language movies and literature. It has spread like a cancer. A cancer I tell you. It’s so oppressive. So stifling. I want to tear out my tongue I am so ashamed. Thank heavens the Arabs are taking over England. They can’t destroy that poisonous Anglo culture fast enough for my liking.”

“And then there’s my heterosexuality. It hangs over my head like a dark cloud. I just can’t help it. I like females. I’ve tried to like men, I even kissed one once, but it made me gag - and I was only 5 years old kissing my grandfather on his birthday. Look at me, I’m not even that concerned about AIDS. If I was gay I would be obsessed with it. Why must I be so heartless and uncaring? If I was gay I bet I’d have a lot more compassion and empathy. I’d also be a lot more popular at parties and better at interior decorating.”

Group Leader: “*Gasp*….I didn’t think it was possible, in this day and age, for anyone not to love gay men. After all – look at how many gay characters there are in positive roles on television, movies and magazines. They are everywhere in the media. My god man, haven’t you ever seen “Will and Grace”? Gay men are fabulous.”

Bob: “What about gay Christian men? Are they fabulous?”

Group leader: “There’s no such thing. In fact, some experts doubt that Christians are human at all, let alone gay.”

Bob: “I knew it. I was brought up in the Christian Church. It’s where I was brainwashed into believing all these outdated things – like fidelity, duty, honor and shame. I still feel shame sometimes - even though I know that no one should ever feel shame about anything, not ever. In fact, I’m ashamed that I am able to feel shame. I know that there is no right or wrong except what we decide for ourselves is right or wrong. And I know that we must never ever judge anyone else for any reason whatsoever. After all, we are merely accidental life forms descended from apes. And the apes were descended from the same stuff as dandelions and lobsters. There is no God and no rules worth following, except the rules we make up for ourselves.”

No, wait a minute....maybe there is no God – no Christ – but I’m sure there is an Allah. Rosie O’Donnell says so. Hey, maybe I could convert to Islam - that would be just as good as believing in nothing. All the feminists and left wing secularists love Islam. They are always standing up for it against America and Israel. My wife could wear a burka. I could pick my daughters' husbands. Maybe I could convince the CBC to air a few beheadings from Iran every Sunday. Arrrrrgh....what am I saying?....I can’t.....I just can’t quit Christianity. I’m hooked. It’s like an addiction. All those damn lessons I learned in Sunday school as a child keep reverberating in my head. Oh God, Group Leader, please help me quiet the voices. What a freak I am.....such a freak.”

Group Leader: “Shhhhhh. It’s going to be alright, Bob. Now, what about the male part of you? Doesn’t it make you feel sick inside to be a male?.....Tell us about that.”

Bob: “All I can think about is how men have killed and waged war against each other throughout history. Never mind that virtually all paintings, prose and poetry of any historical value was created by males - and never mind that males have invented practically everything that is useful in the world including virtually all structures, machines, transportation devices, electronics and medical procedures. That doesn’t matter. Men are evil. They kill and rape and steal. Even now they are oppressing women here in the western world - well, except for all the millions of successful female business people, professionals, teachers, professors, politicians, doctors, lawyers, judges and media personalities. But they are the exceptions. Aren't they?

“Men drink beer, fart and tell sexist jokes. They actually fight each other sometimes when they get drunk or mad. It’s so unfemalelike. I hate my manhood. I’d cut it off except I might see the light some day and convert to homosexuality. And when that glorious day comes - when I finally become something other than an evil heterosexual male - I wouldn’t want my willie sitting on the shelf in a pickle jar. After all, I’ll need it to participate in hundreds of meaningless, anonymous sexual encounters just like many gay men do. For now, though, I’ll just have to put on a brave face and try and forget that I’m a wretched heterosexual. Maybe I’ll just become an alcoholic and stay drunk all the time. I have to do something to help me forget my terrible lot in life.”

Group Leader: “There, there. We’re almost finished. What about that last part - *shudder* - I, I can’t even say the word. Forgive me. Can you say it for me?......”

Bob: “You mean.....Breeder?”

Group Leader: *Cringe* “Yes. Can you tell us about that terrible part of yourself?”

Bob “Oh God....I never intended to breed. You’ve got to believe me. It was all just a big accident. I met a girl, I fell in love, we got married and we had children. Just telling you about it makes me feel so unenightened. My wife never even considered having an abortion. How messed up is that? It’s like she actually wanted her life complicated by children rather than spend 110% of her energy on a career and other personal pursuits. And I went along with it. My God, I have never even fathered any children out of wedlock. I almost cry when I think of all the missed opportunities – all the interpersonal complications, tensions and emotional turmoil - that I missed out on. It would have added so much depth to my character to father a few kids without staying with their mother. It must be that damned religion thing coming back to haunt me again. That sense of duty, honor and fidelity. Will I ever be free of its wretched soul-sucking grasp.”

Group Leader: “We have made great progress this afternoon, Bob. I think we’ll stop here and spend the coming week thinking about what you said. We’ll meet here same time next week. If all goes well, we’ll make a few appointments for you over the next few months – maybe add some pigment to your white skin, enroll you in French language lessons, set you up with a nice gay man your age and talk to a wonderful Imam I know about converting you to Islam – things like that. Just don’t tell the Imam about the gay stuff, OK? It’s better that way. Trust me”

“In fact…” (looks around to make sure everyone else is gone, leans forward and whispers in Bob's ear)....”the government has a special program you might be interested in - but we have to keep it on the hush hush. It’s called the “One Less White Anglo Hetero Christian Male Breeder At A Time” Program or “OLWAHCMBAAT” for short. Under this program, the government will relocate you and give you a job for life providing you undergo all the alterations I mentioned and promise to never see your offspring or spouse again. It’s a great program – run by the national NDP Women’s coalition, as if you couldn’t guess. And they’ll also....(glances down between Bob’s legs)....arrange to have that ugly male-thing removed permantly, if you want”

Bob: “Oh thank you. I can’t wait to get started” (smiles disarmingly and reaches into jacket pocket) “Just kidding.” (Pulls out a 357 Magnum and blows the Group Leader’s head clean off. Then, checks Blackberry.) “Hmmmmm.....lets see appointment......4:00 PM......OLWAHCMBAAT Program Headquarters.....125 Main Street”

(Walks out to street)....."Taxiiiii"........


Blogger RightGirl said...

Lunch is SOOOOO on me next time!!


9:24 PM  

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