Friday, November 03, 2006

A Primer and Quiz for Left Wing Nutbars

How does the left-wing mind work? Or, maybe a better question is - Why is it that the left-wing mind doesn’t work?

Some people think that left-wingdom is a pathology; A mental illness that prevents the brain from processing information correctly; A psychological disorder that causes the unfortunate sufferer to have crippling episodes of self loathing, wild attacks of delusional naïveté and an irrepressible need to embrace anything and everything destructive and corrosive to their civilization. Maybe it’s no accident that the poor, unfortunate individuals who exhibit these monstrously disabling symptoms are called leftists. After all, it’s the left hemisphere of the brain that controls our ability to think logically. And, as we all know, left wingers are about as good with logic as Bill Clinton is at being faithful to his wife. That is to say, not very. Maybe that’s why they all love Slick Willie – he reminds them of themselves, nasty stains and all.

To be a left wing-dinger is to have completely and utterly divorced yourself from the real world in which you live – to inhabit some sort of mythical dream world where Iranian society is the moral equivalent to Canadian society and America the very embodiment of Satan.

Cultural relativism and Anti-Americanism, you see, are the main cornerstones of the left-wing psychology (or should I say the left-wing psychosis).

Just test any lefty you know. Say something like – “You know, America has got to be the most culturally influential nation that has ever existed. Its awesome presence is everywhere around the world – books, movies, music, TV, Coca cola….” Then, stand back and watch the lefty’s head explode. Or, maybe mention that we sure are lucky to be living in Canada, a nation founded by Christians, rather than one of those Muslim nations. Then, run away, quickly, before the bulging-eyed lefty throttles you while screaming insanely about the Crusades and pedophile priests.

Maybe you know people like that. Maybe you know people who are teetering on the edge of left wing insanity. If so, toss ‘em this handy-dandy leftwing Primer. It’s all they’ll ever need to know about being a lefty. And then some. Here we go.

Dear lefty person:

(Ah-ha, there’s your first lesson. Notice the salutation isn’t Dear ‘Mr. Something’ or, Dear ‘Ms. Something’? That’s a big no-no in lefty-land. And don’t even think about calling someone ‘Mrs’. That’s grounds for murder in some leftist circles. To be a good lefty, one must never ever differentiate between the sexes. Never say Foreman or Tradesman. It’s ‘Foreperson’ and ‘Tradesperson’. Also, note these helpful terms for future reference: ‘Personhole Cover’, ‘Personager’ (that’s an office boss type person); ‘Personure’ (that’s gender-neutral cow droppings), Huperson (Like in ‘Huperson Beings’ or the ‘Huperson Race’). And so on. Make up your own. Have hours of safe, non-biased gender-neutral family fun. Your kids will love it.)

Anyway, Here’s today’s lesson:

To be out in Left-field, you must never ever criticize any culture or ethnic group except white Christians. And you must loudly and aggressively stand up against anyone who dares suggest that western societies are in any way better than those in Africa or the Middle East. Whenever anyone dares show pride in their White Christian heritage, you must quickly come back with a scathing comment referring to slavery, colonialism or capitalist imperialism (whatever that means). If anyone dares to mention Muslims in the middle east castrating their daughters and decapitating people for converting to Christianity, you must snarl back that American foreign policy is the real cause of everything bad in the Middle east. However, should anyone express pride in being something other than white, Christian, Hetero or English, you must smile widely, show your appreciation and support, and never say anything negative in response. After all, hasn't the person been victimized enough by evil White, Hetero, Christian men already, without rubbing salt in the wound?

To be a Left-over, you must have the childlike stupidity (ooops, I mean innocence) to believe that humans have the capacity to live together in harmony and create a world where everyone is treated equally and no one has more than anyone else. To believe this, you must believe that our natural individuality, indomitable spirit and healthy egos can somehow be tamed or enslaved. Or, maybe, you’re not stupid at all. Maybe you are just pretending to be, so people will not suspect the true nature of your shriveled, vile soul. Maybe you are actually like 99% of all lefties out there who, somewhere deep inside, know the truth – that humans will never be equal and the smart and strong will always want more and get more than the stupid and weak unless they are taken down a peg or two. And, you so want to be part of the group that does the taking down, don’t you? Sure you do. All Left-overs do, deep in their conniving black hearts. It isn’t helping the poor that drives them as much punishing everyone else.

Finally, to be a true left winger you must have this inexplicable subconscious need to tear down all the things that your culture was built on – faith, family, procreation, national defense, individual pride, and freedom from undue state interference. You may not realize it because you are a lefty and your brain is addled by the pathology that grips you, but, the truth is that, you hate yourself, your skin and your culture and what you really want - nay, crave – is the destruction of your society.

Do you see yourself in any of this? Just a little maybe? If you do, you’re in luck. A team of twenty NDP experts have developed a short test that will tell you whether or not you are a left wing nutjob. And the best part is – it’s free. So, as my gift to you, here it is. Get ready to see the true you revealed. Ready set…..go.

1. If you believe that society must provide a permanent free house and lifetime welfare for everyone, even sane, able bodied people, while requiring nothing of them in return, you are a left wing nutjob.
2. If you believe that the proliferation of single mothers and fatherless children in our society is a perfectly natural development in our proudly progressive and enlightened society, you are a left wing nutjob.
3. If you believe that poverty and criminality could be eliminated if only government would spend more money on social programs, you are a left wing nutjob
4. If you constantly worry about poverty even though most welfare recipients are rather plump, have DVD players and send their kids to school in NIKE runners, you are a left wing nutjob
5. If you believe that, for the most part, poor people and criminals are not personally responsible for their situation and society as a whole must take ownership for all social ills, you are a left wing nutjob
6. If you truly believe that radical Islam is a religion of peace and no more dangerous than evangelical Christianity, you are not only a left wing nutjob, you are a dangerous delusional moron and an enemy of freedom and democracy.
7. If you are concerned about gender inequity, but only notice it when men perceivably have the advantage and say nothing when women routinely cripple men in family court, get a slap on the wrist after killing their babies, and serve jail time in country cottages, you are probably a left wing nut job. Or maybe you’re just a run of the mill feminist hypocrite.
8. If you believe that it’s a matter of employment equity for females to join the army to fight big swarthy men hand to hand on foreign battlefields but understand why they cannot compete with men in any Olympic sport requiring strength, agility or stamina, then you are either a left wing nutbar or you’ve been brainwashed to think like a mindless feminist peon.
9. If you believe that Canada would be perfectly alright with no army at all, you are a mega left-wing nutjob and should be forcibly conscripted and sent to Afghanistan for a year to shovel out latrines. As a lefty, you’d be little suited for any other military role.
10. And finally, if you believe that borders are an impingement on the dignity and basic human rights and freedoms of the citizens of the world, you are most definately a, first class, primo, left wing nutbar.

So, how’d you do? Are you a left wing nut bar? If so, peace be unto you. And remember, Jesus loves you. (Not sure if I believe in Jesus or not – but boy, does his name ever rile up the left wingdings. Oddly, the name of Allah doesn’t seem to bother them at all.)


Blogger Winston said...

Leftism is a mental disorder and can not be cured though

12:12 AM  
Blogger Laughs Last said...

Peace to you lefty and to you rightis, I get my peace in the love of Jesus Christ.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Himbly said...

It's frustrating for me because I know that there are some extreme left people who gave you this idea and then you painted everyone 'left of center' with the same brush. Just as it's tempting, for me, to paint the entire right the same colour as nutjobs like you. But that's not how it is in the real world. Most people who lean towards the left (such as myself) aren't who you described. I'd call it another strawman, but I know that those people exist and frankly, they get on my nerves, too.

You should widen your view. You should try not to compartmentalize so harshly.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Gene Alston said...

This guy is good!!!

6:51 AM  

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