Thursday, May 17, 2007

Being a Breeder is Fun

It all happened so fast. One moment I’m a carefree single guy, playing in a rock band, drinking copious amounts of beer with nary a thought for the future – the next moment I’m married with two kids, working in an office and planning for my retirement.

What the hell happened?

Lately my hair started thinning out. Crap. I made it to my late forties with all my hair intact, and now, this? Isn’t baldness supposed to happen earlier on in life, like in a man’s twenties or thirties? It’s not fair to let me build up a false sense of smug security about my hair and then pull the plug (no pun intended) like that.

My waistline has also undergone a *ahem* slight fluctuation over the past few years. I used to be as skinny as a 2 x 4, now I’m, well, slight less so. Not fat, mind you, just not skinny. Ah, the changes age brings.

Mentally, though, I’m at my peak. What I lack in memory or attention span, I make up for in experience, wisdom, and emotional maturity. Thank heavens for that. It takes all the intellectual and emotional energy I can muster to stay on top of this ‘breeder’ gig.

Being a breeder might be fun, but it’s not always easy. For one thing, years ago, everyone was a breeder. Breeders had lots of company. These days, it’s a lot different. There are a lot of non-breeders around. And they have a lot more free time, disposable cash and material stuff than us breeders. Sometimes I feel jealous. All those exotic trips and restaurant meals; doing what they want when they want; being able to get-it-on with each other in any room in the house anytime of day or night without worrying about little peering eyes and curious ears - what a life.

But there are benefits to being a breeder. For one thing, if nuclear Armageddon were to happen tomorrow and the food supply were to run out, I could always cook and eat the kids. That’s a huge benefit right there. What price can you put on survival anyway? And they say that childhood obesity is a bad thing. Not if you’re a parent facing starvation it isn’t. In that case, it’s an extra week of life.

Aside from being a good source of nutrition, children can also be an unending source of entertainment. It’s all a matter of approaching this parenting thing in a creative manner.

In my household, the adults never stop laughing. Last evening at supper, for example, I plopped down heaping plates of asparagus, turnip and brussel sprouts in front of the kids and then sat across from them noisily eating a huge chocolate bar and bowl of ice cream. Well, you should have seen their faces. The wails were amusing, but it was the tears that really cracked me up – the way they make wet little trails down their little cheeks. I never laughed so hard in all my life.

Without a doubt, the opportunities for levity never end when you have children. Cutting off their phone calls when they are talking to their friends is always good for a howl of indignation from them and a good belly laugh for me. Listening on the extension and then nonchalantly joining in the conversation uninvited is another way to brighten up an otherwise mundane day. And then there’s the ‘turning off the TV in the middle of their favourite show for no particular reason‘ trick. That’s my personal favourite. The begging and pleading is funny, but when they stomp off to their rooms crying and wailing, well, it doesn’t get much better than that.

And we mustn’t forget the greatest invention for parental entertainment ever invented – the computer. It’s so easy for kids to get hooked on it. All the sites and games for children - my kids love ‘em. And so do I. We love email too. Whenever I’m feeling a little down or maybe bored, I just go into one of their accounts and delete a message or two – or maybe the entire email account. Then I hover in the background when the kid comes home from school and logs on. Whooo hooo, what a scene.

My oldest daughter (11) likes going on a website called “Club Penguin”. There, each kid gets to be a penguin character. They talk to each other, play games, earn penguin money and buy pretend stuff. It costs $6 a month to be a member. Last week I suspended her membership and told her that I wouldn’t reactivate it until she cleaned her room, scrubbed the bathroom, vacuumed the living room, did the dishes & laundry and washed the windows. By the time she finished crying, my cheeks were aching from laughing so much. You should see how clean the house is now.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, I’m lovin’ being a breeder. I cannot imagine my life without having those wonderful little people around to brighten my day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my daughter just loaded her new MP3 player with a few hundred songs. It took her a whole week. And I’ve got the owners manual right here. Let’s see…….deleting songs. ……page 6.


Blogger Canadi-anna said...

Sounds a lot like my house.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Ah, the joys of parenting. Funny stuff.

12:18 PM  

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