Tanked Twisted Totaled Tipsy

Have you ever been three sheets to the wind? Under the influence? Half in the bag?
Inebriated? Feeling good?
Drunk?
Bent? Blitzed? Bleary Eyed? Blasted?
Fried? Toasted? Pissed? Plastered?
Looped? Loaded?
Hammered?
Sloshed? Smashed? Shit faced? Stewed?
Tanked? Twisted? Totaled? Tipsy?
Cockeyed?
Gonzo?
Wrecked? Wasted?
Zonked?

If some alien life form landed in Canada and tried to find out what Canadians love the most and measured it by the number of words we have to describe it, surely drinking alcohol would win, hands down. (OK, I admit, there are a lot of words that describe sex. But this is a family column and I’m not going there.)

Have you ever driven after having a few drinks? How about as a passenger with someone you were having drinks with? Be honest now. If you have, you’re not alone. Many, many Canadians have. Sure, we pretend that drinking and driving is bad, but deep inside we all know it’s actually a cultural norm here in Canada.

Tell me, if you were asked to list two things that are central to our society, what would they be? Maybe TV and fast food? How about computers and music? Me, I’d pick cars and alcohol. Most of us drive and a lot of us drink from time to time. And if we were really honest about it, we’d admit that a lot of drivers have, at some point in their lives, driven with a few drinks in them. You’ve probably done it yourself. I’m not talking about sloshed, just a few widdle drinks. If so, you could be a criminal. Fingerprinted, publicly shamed and severely punished. Hey, you might be a monster, but, don’t worry, you’ve got lots of company.

Check out any bar in Canada anytime during the day or night. Virtually every single person walking out of there and into a car is quite likely approaching, or over, the limit. And yet we incessantly demonize anyone who drinks and drives to such an extent that they are considered by many to be no better than rapists or armed robbers. In our zeal to protect all people from all things, we have criminalized something that millions of Canadians do occasionally with no undue ill effects to society. And consider this - unlike rapists or armed robbers, who are arrested because of actual harm done to others, people who drive after drinking are arrested merely because they are judged by arbitrary means to be more likely to cause harm. This is pretty draconan stuff.

I met a guy the other night who, a year ago, had a few drinks and was clipped by a car while walking across the street. He wasn’t drunk, or so he says. The bar where he was drinking is being charged. The driver’s insurance company is suing him. I guess someone will start a group called MADW – Mothers Against Drunk Walking. Such is the insanity of the world we live in – a world dominated by salivating litigation lawyers and trust-me-I-know-what’s-best-for-you, security obsessed women.

Obviously, driving while loaded is stupid, irresponsible and dangerous. Anyone who harms other people while driving sloshed should be severely punished. However, what about people who drink moderately and then drive? Some people may drive better with a .06 or .08 blood/alcohol level than others do totally sober. And 99.999 percent of people who drive after drinking moderately never hurt anyone. But still, MADD and others keep demanding the limit be lowered. And we all "tut tut" and nod at them sympathetically while getting behind the wheel or watching as others get behind the wheel after having a few drinks. Are we a nation of hypocrites?

Lets just cut to the chase, shall we. It seems to me that if we really wanted to catch drunk drivers we would place a mobile breathalyzer outside every bar in the country and pull over everyone who came out. This would likely cost less than our foolish multi-billion dollar gun registration program. In fact, if you think about it, two billion dollars would buy two hundred million $10 cab rides. And there are only 30 million people in Canada. Maybe all cabs should have breathalizers installed, with the government picking up the tab for drunk customers. This too would be easily affordable, considering how much money is stolen and wasted every day by our corrupt Federal Liberal government.

Anyway, where was I, oh yes – nabbing all bar patrons as they emerge from bars. What a great idea, eh? Of course, tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of drivers would lose their licenses. (There’d likely be no drivers left in Fort McMurray. heh) This would lead to fewer car sales, less gas sold, less work for anyone who services vehicles, sky high insurance rates, rampant unemployment for convicted people who jobs require them to drive and less booze sold, especially booze sold in bars. In fact, it would likely destroy the bar business entirely. And we’d need thousands of additional police, lawyers, judges, jail cells and courtrooms to deal with the legal fallout. The tax loss for the government and the economic price to our nation would be astronomical.

So that would never do. I guess it’s best to just keep complaining and pretending (wink wink, nudge nudge) to be outraged at something millions do and something we could pretty well eliminate if we really wanted to.

Sympathy, Not Condemnation

Live from the Satireland newsroom:

In France, a series of demonstrations involving tens of thousands of emotionally distraught young Muslim men are beginning to abate after the French government called in 2200 police officers and declared a state of emergency.

The demonstrations were apparently touched off by the deaths of two young Muslim men who were accidentally electrocuted while hiding from police in a state power plant. Apparently, Muslim men who die in such a way, receive only 35 virgins in paradise, instead of the requisite 72 virgins given to those who die while killing Jews and other infidel swine.

“What a gyp” one overwrought demonstrator was heard to exclaim as he gently smashed the windows of a local food store and reluctantly threw in a Molotov cocktail. “How can any self respecting Muslim man settle for a measly 35 virgins? I am so angry right now I could just behead someone.”

It has been speculated that the underlying cause of the riots relates to a general feeling of resentment amongst young Muslim men, most of whom have known nothing their whole lives but welfare and free housing. With nothing to do as they crawl out of bed at noon, these gentle souls have no choice but to sit on their stoops, smoke hashish and bad mouth the French all day. "This could drive even the strongest among us to despair.” a prominent CBC commentator was heard to say. “They need our sympathy, not our condemnation” she sobbed, as she donned a burka in solidarity while chanting “Death to American Imperialism”.

Meanwhile, earlier today, local French newspapers ran headlines featuring a middle aged white conservative Christian man who happened to mention to a reporter in passing that he dislikes unions and disagrees with gay marriage. French citizens were appalled at the insensitivity of this wretched throwback to the middle ages. One protestor took a moment from throwing bricks at police to spit on the ground in a show of contempt for such incivility. “May the white, Christian, homophobic, capitalist scum rot in hell” a French journalist was reported to have said as she gathered up some left over pheasant and foi gras to help feed the protestors.

However, local authorities are rising to the challenge of dispelling the protests. Jacques Chirac made the following announcements yesterday: "Henceforth, bacon will be outlawed in France. Sharia law will replace the French civil law model and all judges will be replaced by Mullahs. A new government ‘Ministry of Stones’ will be set up to provide special assistance to families who wish to discipline a daughter who shames them. All females will be required to wear a veil. The French border will be thrown open for 24 hours at the beginning of every Ramadan to anyone mumbling suspiciously, wearing a ticking backpack and carrying a Koran. And, finally, as the piece de resistance, France will nuke Israel.”

It is expected that these measures will go a long way to appeasing the downtrodden protesters and reversing decades of abuse and racism levied against the Muslim community in France.

Gangstas are Not Cool

Hey kids, repeat after me. All together now: "Gangsters are bad. They shoot people. They sell drugs and commit horrible violent crimes. I would never be a gangster because they are scumbags."

Very good children.

Yep, you guessed it, something’s eating me. I just went to pick up my 5 year old from her Sparks meeting (Sparks are the kiddy version of Brownies). The meeting is held in the school gym where both my kids go to school.

And it’s Halloween season. Boo. I vant to d'link your blood.

Anyway, in the front hall of the school, near the entry to the gym, the school set up a table to display Halloween pumpkins decorated by students. Most are really creative and cool. One is not. It’s a pumpkin with a scowl and a sign announcing “I’m a Gangster”. Oh, nice.

We all know that schools are now more social indoctrination centres than academic institutions. Kids know that being sensitive and caring is more important than being discliplined and smart. They learn that evil corporations are raping our societies and environment and to trust nanny government implicitly. They are taught to love multiculturalism and be suspect of traditional white Christian culture.

Oddly, somewhere along the way, our schools seem to have forgotten to teach our children a very simple social fact - that gangsta culture is vile, reprehensible and loathsome. In fact, it would appear that they allow students to express respect and admiration for gangstas.

When I saw the pumpkin I went out to the car, got a pen and napkin, wrote “Gangsters Suck” on the napkin, went back into the school and stuck it on the pumpkin. I hope the poor kid who made it sees my comment. I hope he (or she) is offended. However, whatever they feel, it could never match the offence I felt when I saw this piece of artistic excrement sitting in my children’s school.

Tomorrow I’ll be calling the Principle and my school trustee. I might even write the Minister of Education. I’m going to ask them if next year I can expect to see pumpkins labelled “I’m a Nazi” or maybe “I’m a Rapist”.

Next weekend we’ll read in the papers about a few more shootings and murders committed by gangstas. And surely, many misguided children with stupid parents will think that these fools are cool. Hey, maybe, somewhere between showing our kids how to put on a condom and teaching them about the joys of socialism, our schools could somehow fit in a lesson or two about the poisons of gangsta culture.