Nine Eleven, Fruit & Vegetables

Of all the 9/11 conspiracy theories out there, the one that annoys me the most is the one about OJ Simpson planning and executing the attacks. I am so sick of hearing idiots whine about the Juice. The Juice brought down the twin Towers. The Juice didn’t go to work on 9/11. The Juice is oppressing the Palestinians (don’t ask me where that one came from – I’m sure OJ couldn’t even find Palestine on a map). The Juice controls world commerce and media. The Juice this – The Juice that.

As the figurative dust settles five years after the literal stuff did, we all need to step back, get a grip and remember who it is that wants to kill us. And it’s not the Juice.

It’s a certain religion of peas. Don’t ask me what vegetables have to do with it. I just know that I hear it everywhere – The people who castrate their daughters, behead journalists and enslave entire nations in the name of their god follow a religion of peas. I guess a lot of them are vegetarians. I know they don’t like pork. Many of them refer to OJ, in a very demeaning manner, as the son of a pig. I hear they actually teach this to their children in school – that the Juice is descended from pigs. And the religion of peas certainly hates simians. I hear stories of their clerics calling OJ the brother of monkeys all the time - and not in a kind way. The religion of peas sure does hate the Juice.

Maybe it’s the vegetarian thing. You know – The religion of peas is named after a vegetable and OJ is named after a fruit. Maybe the religion of peas is fruitaphobic or something – which must not be confused with homophobic, although homosexual men used to be called fruits. Geeeez.….this is all just too confusing. No wonder there are so many Atheists in the world. Personally, I love a good Bacon sandwich in the morning with a nice glass of Juice. I used to like peas. But since 9/11, I’ve sworn off the stuff. Too many bad memories.

Five Plus One Things Feminism Has Done For Me

I visit a certain loony left wing chat board regularly. (http://www.rabble.ca/babble/). It’s a hoot. Recently they had a theme where contributors told of the 5 best things feminism has done for them. I can’t post my comments there as they would ban me immediately. It’s what they do to anyone who isn’t rabidly socialist. So, for posterity, here's my 5 + 1.

What Feminism has done:

1. It has made men less likely to get a job as a cop or fireman. Despite being bigger, stronger and more capable of dealing with physical threats, employment equity requires that less capable women are hired before men. I am especially comforted by the ones who are 5’ 2’’, 130lbs with painted nails and mascara. I’ve seen several. They make me feel so safe.

2. It has given teenage girls reproductive freedom and sexual equality to males. As a result, our society is rampant with single baby mothers, my children’s school is full of troubled children who grow up deprived of a father’s guidance and our jails are full of angry fatherless young criminal men.

3. It has made me appreciate my stay at home mom wife 1000% more. I see my buddies rush to make breakfast and deliver the kids to daycare everyday. I hear about how their working wives are too tired to have sex. I watch their kids dine on take out and get fat as they live their lives deprived of wholesome home cooked meals because mommy has to stay at work late to write a report.

4. It has allowed me to wait longer for medical care. There are only so many places available in medical school and Over 50% of all doctors graduating these days are female. Female doctors work considerably fewer hours than their male counterparts. And unlike men, they take time off when having children. Therefore, they see fewer patients. I cannot count the number of people who have mentioned to me how little their female doctors work.

5. It has picked my pocket dry with its endless demands for more tax dollars to fund government programs like state funded daycare that would not be necessary if they just took motherhood more seriously than their own selfish feminist ambitions.

6.It has deprived the world of millions of intelligent children. Intelligence is largely genetic. Many of today's brightest women are not having children, choosing instead to pursue careers. This has deprived humanity and future generations of their DNA.

Don’t roll your eyes at me. I am not saying that everyone, men and women alike, should not be able to pursue their own private ambitions. And sure, some women cops could take on a man in a physical confrontation, some women doctors work as much as male doctors and some women do have careers with no negative impact on their motherly duties. But not most. Books, magazines, TV, and radio are constantly awash with stories of exausted, conflicted women trying to do it all. Childless career women are apparently the most conflicted of all. In fact, an entre psychiatric industry has grown up around these feminist-caused problems.

What I am simply trying to do here is point out the unintended negative consequences of feminism on men in particular and society as a whole. With every action there is an equal and opposite...well, you know. So don’t call me names. If you can refute that the above realities are not a negative result of feminism, please do so.

Fatherhood, Love and Duty

I love being a father. I dislike being a father. Being a father is the most rewarding, uplifting, euphoric experience of my life. Being a father is the most miserable, frustrating, depressing experience of my life. My daughters are 5 and 10. Sometimes I want to tell them that they have ruined my life. Sometimes I want to hug them and tell them that they are my life. Oddly, when I'm around them, I seldom feel neutral and content in my skin. My emotional life is one of extremes. I go from dizzying heights of profound love one minute, to claustrophobic depths of disappointment the next. For this dad, there is seldom a middle ground.

Mostly, though, I wonder how the hell I got myself into this. No one told me this procreation thing would take such a toll on my life.

A few Tuesday's ago was the first day of school. My eldest had spent the previous week staying with her aunt and uncle, about an hour away. She left her favorite running shoes there and didn't realize it until she was dressing for school on Tuesday morning. Of course, these were the shoes she wanted to wear. They matched her outfit, don't you know. And thus ensued the drama. She cried. She moaned. She ran down the hall wailing. She blamed everyone but herself. Her life was destroyed, she exclaimed. Finally I had had enough and bundled her off to Sudan where I sold her into white slavery to Osama Bin Laden's second cousin twice removed.

OK, maybe not. But imagining it did make me smile. And after the smile, of course, I felt terribly guilty.

And then there's my little red headed five-year old. The next time she listens to me will the first time. You've never encountered obstinacy if you haven't met my daughter. She knows she's not supposed to walk across the street without looking both ways. She does it anyway - on purpose - just to show me that she can. Nothing dissuades her - not discussions, not lectures, not spankings. At the beach, she paddles her float-ring into deep water while looking straight at me and grinning, despite my repeated warnings to come back. If she lives to see adulthood, it will not be my doing, it will be God's.

And despite the parental trials and tribulations, I know that mine are really no greater than those of any other father. So why do they seem to bug me more?

Is it just me? Am I nuts or something? I see all these people out there with their kids looking so happy, so in the moment. Why don't I feel like that? Having children is the most natural thing anyone can do. In fact the only reason virtually any couple doesn't have children is because they use unnatural methods to prevent life from occurring or surgical methods to snuff out life that has begun to develop. And most people seem to take to parenthood rather well. At least they don't seem to be wracked with self-doubt like me. What is wrong with these people? Clearly they are all nuts and I'm normal. Or maybe, they are all just faking it. After all, to look at me, no one would know that my children are a weight that sometimes almost crushes me to death. I hide it well. And maybe there are many others hiding it as well. Certainly there must be. I can't be the only one.

Sometimes I wonder if there aren't more men out there like me, deeply in love with their children but doubtful as to whether their lives would be better had they never had kids in the first place.

Don't get me wrong. I would step in front of a bullet for my kids in a heartbeat. If I could have one wish it would be that they would live long, happy, healthy, contented lives. All I have I would give to them (and am giving them). When the media reports that a child has been abducted I lay in bed, in the moments before sleep, shuddering at the thought. I literally physically shake and shudder. Sometimes my wife wakes up and asks "what’s wrong honey?" Sometimes, I tell her. She hugs me close and we go to sleep like that. Surely, I love my kids as much as any man.

I guess it all comes down to duty. I believe that what I feel for my children transcends love. I have a sense of duty to protect them, nurture them, do right by them and be there for them every day.

And thank god for that sense of duty. It's there even when the frustration, claustrophobia and selfishness momentarily eclipse the love. And sometimes it's all that stops me from going to the store for milk and ending up living in Fort McMurray under an assumed name.